Emotionally I am a wreck. To look at me you wouldn't be able to tell, but the signs are there. A strong sense of responsibility, but really craving to be somewhat footloose and fancy free - afraid that it's all going to fall apart and I would be left with nothing, impatience wanting the healing to come now so that I don't have to deal with it and denial - denying that anything is wrong and that the pain does exist. On the surface I want everything to appear as though it is good, but underneath the waters are not so smooth.
The hurts that I have suffered are just old wounds with flimsy scabs. They are easy to pick off, they have seen no healing, no Bactine, no peroxide, no Neosporin. They just exist. The hurts are happy, the problem is that I am not. Today, for me was not just a day of reckoning, today I decided that it was my last day. My last day to suffer pain of this magnitude, to feel this kind of hurt or to suffer this particular pain anymore. Today, I decided to let go of the hurts and pains that have plagued me for so long. Today, how appropriate is my independence day.
As I looked at my life today, I saw that a few items were missing. I also saw that I was going through the five stages of grief - Elisabeth Kubler-Ross's explanation for the emotions that we experience when something or someone is taken from us prematurely. I have moved from denial to anger (looking forward to bargaining, depression and acceptance). Not realizing how upset I was, I just kept trying to repress it. That does not work, let me tell you. So, having discovered that, I decided that it was high time I dealt with all the sadness, anger, depression, fears, misunderstandings and general hurts that came along with the picking at the wound. I decided to allow the wound to heal and to try to let go of the hurts. This is day one.
Moving through the pain was not something that I intentionally planned to do, but instead was something that was thrust upon me. I found that there were two paths that I could take. The first was to inflict some of that pain on others, the second was to reach out and hope that it would help someone else. I chose the latter. So here's hoping that this blog touches hearts, hands and helps in the healing process.
Until next time...
http://www.healmybrokenheart.com/
The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; he has sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised, Luke 4:18
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