Finds me looking forward to the future and looking forward to what may be. Full of hope and the possibilities and moving forward in what could be. Day 4 finds me grateful for the experience and thinking that it did pass and will get better.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Today I find myself wanting to apologize for the hurts that have been caused through this journey. So many people, so much negativity, so little positivity. What a shame to waste so much time focusing on what is not positive, when you can focus on what is.
So today, rather than focusing on what isn't, I am focusing on the positive and what can be.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Overcoming the loneliness and emptiness to find peace.
Day 3 finds me no longer angry, but somewhat peaceful. Knowing that those old wounds could have easily been opened at anytime. I find myself looking for ways to heal and protect myself. The loneliness stems from the fear of being hurt, but no longer. Now there a strong sense of protection for myself. The protector that I had always been was now looking for me.
I find myself gazing out the window now with peace in my heart and a new sense of direction; no longer wanting my life to be controlled by others and learning to have it controlled by me. Those old hurts lead you down interesting roads. The pain, if you allow it, can bring you back.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
This day, I find myself hearing the negative self talk in my head. No wonder it's been a rocky road. While I have not been moving through the pain, I have been listening to those tiny words that tell me what I can and what I can not do. These words, I believe, have contributed to the lack of momentum in my life.
This day, I am exhausted, so I find myself sleeping more and feeling more and more refreshed as I move on from the hurts and pains that have plagued me for so long. Today I find strength, no matter how it may come and where it may come from.
Today, I grow stronger, heal and gain strength.
How about you?
Monday, July 4, 2011
Emotionally I am a wreck. To look at me you wouldn't be able to tell, but the signs are there. A strong sense of responsibility, but really craving to be somewhat footloose and fancy free - afraid that it's all going to fall apart and I would be left with nothing, impatience wanting the healing to come now so that I don't have to deal with it and denial - denying that anything is wrong and that the pain does exist. On the surface I want everything to appear as though it is good, but underneath the waters are not so smooth.
The hurts that I have suffered are just old wounds with flimsy scabs. They are easy to pick off, they have seen no healing, no Bactine, no peroxide, no Neosporin. They just exist. The hurts are happy, the problem is that I am not. Today, for me was not just a day of reckoning, today I decided that it was my last day. My last day to suffer pain of this magnitude, to feel this kind of hurt or to suffer this particular pain anymore. Today, I decided to let go of the hurts and pains that have plagued me for so long. Today, how appropriate is my independence day.
As I looked at my life today, I saw that a few items were missing. I also saw that I was going through the five stages of grief - Elisabeth Kubler-Ross's explanation for the emotions that we experience when something or someone is taken from us prematurely. I have moved from denial to anger (looking forward to bargaining, depression and acceptance). Not realizing how upset I was, I just kept trying to repress it. That does not work, let me tell you. So, having discovered that, I decided that it was high time I dealt with all the sadness, anger, depression, fears, misunderstandings and general hurts that came along with the picking at the wound. I decided to allow the wound to heal and to try to let go of the hurts. This is day one.
Moving through the pain was not something that I intentionally planned to do, but instead was something that was thrust upon me. I found that there were two paths that I could take. The first was to inflict some of that pain on others, the second was to reach out and hope that it would help someone else. I chose the latter. So here's hoping that this blog touches hearts, hands and helps in the healing process.
Until next time...
The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; he has sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised, Luke 4:18